maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
