i wish semen tasted like chocolate
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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