dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
