Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
