I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
