I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
