Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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