moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
