We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
