I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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