a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
