dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
