When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
