i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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