Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
