im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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