when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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