mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
