i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize