when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
