I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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