when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
