im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Randomize
