apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
