1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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