I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
