Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
