I met the friendliest cop last night
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
