neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
