He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
