peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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