i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
