hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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