Me. At least after what I've been through.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
