Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
