I think I won the penis lottery.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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