Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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