I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize