Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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