And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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