Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
