I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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