Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
