My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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