You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
