I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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