i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
