the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
