I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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