Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
