What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
