I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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