Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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