im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
