so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
