Umm I'm too high to move.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
