my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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