if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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