I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
