My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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