So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
