i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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