the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
