i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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