tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
